The Paradox of Eminence
Writing this post is probably a blunder, for you don't lift the curtain after a play, rendering bare the foundation of it's execution. I remember an actor once projected his indignation at the various behind the scenes show reels he had to do, claiming that they break the illusion of what a movie intends to portray. But i write this nevertheless. When i was contemplating the title for this post, there were three things i kept circling around, 'Big fish in a small pond', ' The dichotomy of fame' and 'Behind popularity'. These are all words I've heard about myself at some point or the other in life. Yet, i carefully zeroed in on the word eminence because it centres between humility and arrogance.
I think i should begin with my first day of a new school in i think 2005. I remember standing next to the staff room, waiting for my dad to talk to the teachers about which section i'll be joining. I was a nervous wreck to be honest, change is always difficult but i have been blessed with a face of eternal indifference that hides all my internal palpitations rather well. I looked around at the red walls, the two storied buildings, the grass, the emblem at the gate and a group of around 5-6 girls standing next to it. They seemed to be whispering something, looking this way most certainly and discussing something. I smiled at them in passing nonchalance and looked away when i saw one of them head towards me. I recognised her instantly as a friend from a previous school. She said hi, i said hi, she asked about me, i asked about her, she offered to help around, and i thanked her. I then joined a section, went on to become good friends with those girls and realised the relevance of that day only a year later. Apparently they were standing there in anticipation of a person coming from a big city like Mumbai, talked up and talked about an year in advance by people who knew me from before and i'm guessing resented me. Those girls that day were standing there to analyse my coloured hair, low waist skirt and pre-supposed attitude problem. The same girls have in fact given me beautiful memories of school time and one from that day when i realised that if my life were a Hollywood movie, i'd be Regina George.
See the thing is, in our minds we're all the protagonist. We're the good guy who's supposed to win at the end. We somehow never relate with the supporting characters how much ever they represent us. I dint ever either, until my sister pointed out that i was the popular girl from the novels and not the nice one people root for. I never accepted it really. Somehow popularity is not something that interested me, maybe i didn't look at it that way. Probably because i didn't understand why i was supposed to be arrogant about being talked about ever so often, about being cautious of the things i do or of hearing baseless rumours about myself. I did know that i held eminence, but i never felt like it's a blessing. Even in passing conversations with friends i never understood why some people chase fame, why some people like being known at a larger scale or why the concept of popularity is associated with achievement. I look at the forever interfered lives of celebrities and pity their state and maybe that's why i prefer my writing remain anonymous as well.
I met a few juniors recently and they told me another story from that time, of how they were awestruck by everything that i was. I've often even heard of people wanting to be me, I remember this little girl in my 12th Std. who gave me a card and wrote about how much she admired me. I looked at it and laughed in embarrassment. A few months later i got to know that she was sad about my reaction. I did try finding that card but couldn't. See that's the thing. If i understood my eminence back then i would have probably been a better person. I was just so busy living life on my terms and denying the grandeur associated with my existence that i have no idea how many hearts i've broken along the way. My previous post talked about forgotten friendships, and i've often remembered a few other forgotten things like my school magazine full of my pictures, conversations that people remember but i dont, memories that people made with me that i just cant recollect. Why i don't remember so many things i cant place, but what i can place is the paradox of my eminence. A life affecting so many in some or the other way, without realising.
I'd like to share a post that was recently written by my friend. It was the first time someone ever wrote about me and it shall remain a fond memory and a mirror for my future introspections. The post titled 'What happens when you spend too much time with an incisive, witty woman' written by a friend on her blog made me reflect upon many incidents from my past and recent present. I like the way she's written the post, like a story of personal growth that has been influenced by something common around her. See that's another thing about eminence, you never know which of your actions may indirectly inspire positive things in a persons life.
For all the times I’ve despised the relevance of my existence, there have been times when I've genuinely felt it. I think eminence comes along with a huge responsibility, such that i often feel its weight when I make my decisions. I somehow get the sense that an individual of eminence cannot live a life of mediocrity because he doesn’t tread along life alone. He creates a ripple wherever he goes. A ripple that may either flood a bank, water the weed or take back with itself things meant to go distant places.
I think i should begin with my first day of a new school in i think 2005. I remember standing next to the staff room, waiting for my dad to talk to the teachers about which section i'll be joining. I was a nervous wreck to be honest, change is always difficult but i have been blessed with a face of eternal indifference that hides all my internal palpitations rather well. I looked around at the red walls, the two storied buildings, the grass, the emblem at the gate and a group of around 5-6 girls standing next to it. They seemed to be whispering something, looking this way most certainly and discussing something. I smiled at them in passing nonchalance and looked away when i saw one of them head towards me. I recognised her instantly as a friend from a previous school. She said hi, i said hi, she asked about me, i asked about her, she offered to help around, and i thanked her. I then joined a section, went on to become good friends with those girls and realised the relevance of that day only a year later. Apparently they were standing there in anticipation of a person coming from a big city like Mumbai, talked up and talked about an year in advance by people who knew me from before and i'm guessing resented me. Those girls that day were standing there to analyse my coloured hair, low waist skirt and pre-supposed attitude problem. The same girls have in fact given me beautiful memories of school time and one from that day when i realised that if my life were a Hollywood movie, i'd be Regina George.
See the thing is, in our minds we're all the protagonist. We're the good guy who's supposed to win at the end. We somehow never relate with the supporting characters how much ever they represent us. I dint ever either, until my sister pointed out that i was the popular girl from the novels and not the nice one people root for. I never accepted it really. Somehow popularity is not something that interested me, maybe i didn't look at it that way. Probably because i didn't understand why i was supposed to be arrogant about being talked about ever so often, about being cautious of the things i do or of hearing baseless rumours about myself. I did know that i held eminence, but i never felt like it's a blessing. Even in passing conversations with friends i never understood why some people chase fame, why some people like being known at a larger scale or why the concept of popularity is associated with achievement. I look at the forever interfered lives of celebrities and pity their state and maybe that's why i prefer my writing remain anonymous as well.
I met a few juniors recently and they told me another story from that time, of how they were awestruck by everything that i was. I've often even heard of people wanting to be me, I remember this little girl in my 12th Std. who gave me a card and wrote about how much she admired me. I looked at it and laughed in embarrassment. A few months later i got to know that she was sad about my reaction. I did try finding that card but couldn't. See that's the thing. If i understood my eminence back then i would have probably been a better person. I was just so busy living life on my terms and denying the grandeur associated with my existence that i have no idea how many hearts i've broken along the way. My previous post talked about forgotten friendships, and i've often remembered a few other forgotten things like my school magazine full of my pictures, conversations that people remember but i dont, memories that people made with me that i just cant recollect. Why i don't remember so many things i cant place, but what i can place is the paradox of my eminence. A life affecting so many in some or the other way, without realising.
I'd like to share a post that was recently written by my friend. It was the first time someone ever wrote about me and it shall remain a fond memory and a mirror for my future introspections. The post titled 'What happens when you spend too much time with an incisive, witty woman' written by a friend on her blog made me reflect upon many incidents from my past and recent present. I like the way she's written the post, like a story of personal growth that has been influenced by something common around her. See that's another thing about eminence, you never know which of your actions may indirectly inspire positive things in a persons life.
For all the times I’ve despised the relevance of my existence, there have been times when I've genuinely felt it. I think eminence comes along with a huge responsibility, such that i often feel its weight when I make my decisions. I somehow get the sense that an individual of eminence cannot live a life of mediocrity because he doesn’t tread along life alone. He creates a ripple wherever he goes. A ripple that may either flood a bank, water the weed or take back with itself things meant to go distant places.
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