A Friend: Lost and Found
People who have been following my writing would have noticed that a lot of my quotes revolve around feeling empty. How should i describe it in words, it’s just an inexplicable hollowness that’s taken permanent residence inside my rib cage. It’s inconspicuous for the most part and resurfaces every now and then. My friends often associated it with the lack of a love life while I believed it had something to do with finding a passion or a dream. None of it somehow seemed right until today, when I actually think I’ve figured it all out.
I feel light today. The kinds i haven’t felt in a long time. It’s not something ensuing from a night full of over thinking, but it’s something that’s making me feel a whole as I walk down the road or complete my chores. This post today, is about what I think led up to it.
The place was Bombay. We were in 8th standard then. The best thing that could have happened to me at age 13 was a friend named Anamika. We spent a lot of our time walking around the colony, talking about anything and everything a 13 year old possibly could. Words with her were in abundance. She talked nonstop and paused for occasional inputs. I gave. She spoke. We were perfect for each other. I loved listening and she loved speaking. We were the best of friends. She loved me immensely. She said it and i felt it too. However like every beautiful love story, our friendship was short-lived. Not because of anything she did, but because I grew up. It was around the time when someone had asked me out for the first time. We were both elated and had so much to talk about. What he said, why he said, what he did etc. etc. It was an exciting time for the both of us. Unfortunately, when I lost her amidst all this i did not realize. Like in a Lizzie Mcguire episode, all I could do what talk about things that centered on this one thing. I don’t know why it happened, but this one tiny progression in my life, changed me. Her flaws began to bother me more than all the good in her that had once touched my heart. She held on to me for as long as she could, and she loved me irrespective of it all, but I drifted apart anyway. On purpose I remember, but why I never figured out.
The reason she’s the first paragraph is because - to her, is the last time I remember being a good friend to anyone. I often look back at our times together and I try and recollect the person I was when we were best friends. I remember telling a lot of people in I think 10th std, ‘I don’t know what happened to me, I used to be a patient person , so full of love for everyone. There are so many emotions I’ve started feeling now that were hitherto unknown to me.’ I was told that this change is all a part of growing up and that when you start becoming a person, you start to weigh things and analyze them for your own good. It’s apparently very human to have feelings of contempt, anger, or hatred in you. I don’t remember feeling any of those things with her, but the last 11 years of my life have seen a lot of that.
For a large part of my life I have believed that, it is better not to expect anything out of anyone, because expectations lead to disappointments. I thought I could prevent myself from heart breaks by pre-analyzing and calculative-ly staying away from what could possibly hurt. But I never noticed when this well designed system of mine turned me into a person who not only analyzed everything but also judged whatever that came in front. The more I protected myself, the farther I got from people who loved me so much. I wrote about this in a message to a friend a few years ago. I told him about how I haven’t been hurt in a long time. But you know in life, every now and then something happens and an epiphany strikes, making you see things like you never saw before. Every bad decision of mine grew me as a person and when I thought I had learnt all that I possibly could, something happened that made me realize - growth truly is perennial.
The last two years have been perhaps the best years of my life. I did all the right things, devoted time to myself and bit by bit turned my personality into something that I am very proud of. Everything was sorted; expect one thing- the void. But then 1st January 2016 happened and I had no idea what it was leading up to. The story isn't great really; it’s a typical tale of love, laughter and heartbreak. But this was perhaps the best heartbreak ever. You know, I had been so busy growing up, that I let an entire part of my life called friendship, take a back seat. I never realized what a bad friend I had been until i saw the lowest of my personality in a very toxic emotional setup.
I have fallen down and gotten back up all by myself so many times that I din’t want the people I love to go through the same. And so, I formed an opinion about everything, adamantly rejecting anything that doesn’t concur with my thought process. I remember telling my friends, ‘why should I listen to what’s not right’, but it took me a happy heartbreak to realize that what may be right for me may not be right for another person. Not everyone’s life trajectory may resemble mine and that even if they’re going to be heart broken, they’ll come out of it, just like i did. I always had an idea that I was heavily opinionated, but I never saw it as a problem because I was happy. But you know, it is easier to be happy when you’ve got a hollow tin chest, without emotions. It is only when my flaws affected way too many people dear to me while i was at my lowest, that I flashbacked to every person I ever let down. Most of it I realized was because i didn’t agree with their actions, so before it could affect me, I detached myself from feeling anything at all.
I am so glad that now I write and can save this most recent and most important lesson that I’ve learnt. It so happens that: It is not always about right or wrong, or good or bad. Sometimes, it’s just about being there, like a rock, for someone who doesn’t need the right direction to face the storm, but just a steady helm to sail through.
Today, as I walked back after meeting a friend I recollected every story I told her. I told her what a good listener I've become off late, I told her how amazed I was at the things people have to vent out and that I don’t remember being the reason someone felt light, in a very, very long time.
I knew everything happens for a reason. But it’s just so difficult to have faith in your faith when you’re hurting. I’d like to thank the person who broke my heart. While a lot of my life I spent wondering where Anamika’s best friend vanished, it helped me find her. There is nothing more fulfilling than being there for someone and listening to them without biases, without judgments, without analysis or opinions and there’s nothing more heartwarming than the feeling of being a good friend.
The void, was longing for this feeling and I think, it’s finally filled in.
To live is to love, and to love is to be vulnerable.
I feel light today. The kinds i haven’t felt in a long time. It’s not something ensuing from a night full of over thinking, but it’s something that’s making me feel a whole as I walk down the road or complete my chores. This post today, is about what I think led up to it.
The place was Bombay. We were in 8th standard then. The best thing that could have happened to me at age 13 was a friend named Anamika. We spent a lot of our time walking around the colony, talking about anything and everything a 13 year old possibly could. Words with her were in abundance. She talked nonstop and paused for occasional inputs. I gave. She spoke. We were perfect for each other. I loved listening and she loved speaking. We were the best of friends. She loved me immensely. She said it and i felt it too. However like every beautiful love story, our friendship was short-lived. Not because of anything she did, but because I grew up. It was around the time when someone had asked me out for the first time. We were both elated and had so much to talk about. What he said, why he said, what he did etc. etc. It was an exciting time for the both of us. Unfortunately, when I lost her amidst all this i did not realize. Like in a Lizzie Mcguire episode, all I could do what talk about things that centered on this one thing. I don’t know why it happened, but this one tiny progression in my life, changed me. Her flaws began to bother me more than all the good in her that had once touched my heart. She held on to me for as long as she could, and she loved me irrespective of it all, but I drifted apart anyway. On purpose I remember, but why I never figured out.
The reason she’s the first paragraph is because - to her, is the last time I remember being a good friend to anyone. I often look back at our times together and I try and recollect the person I was when we were best friends. I remember telling a lot of people in I think 10th std, ‘I don’t know what happened to me, I used to be a patient person , so full of love for everyone. There are so many emotions I’ve started feeling now that were hitherto unknown to me.’ I was told that this change is all a part of growing up and that when you start becoming a person, you start to weigh things and analyze them for your own good. It’s apparently very human to have feelings of contempt, anger, or hatred in you. I don’t remember feeling any of those things with her, but the last 11 years of my life have seen a lot of that.
For a large part of my life I have believed that, it is better not to expect anything out of anyone, because expectations lead to disappointments. I thought I could prevent myself from heart breaks by pre-analyzing and calculative-ly staying away from what could possibly hurt. But I never noticed when this well designed system of mine turned me into a person who not only analyzed everything but also judged whatever that came in front. The more I protected myself, the farther I got from people who loved me so much. I wrote about this in a message to a friend a few years ago. I told him about how I haven’t been hurt in a long time. But you know in life, every now and then something happens and an epiphany strikes, making you see things like you never saw before. Every bad decision of mine grew me as a person and when I thought I had learnt all that I possibly could, something happened that made me realize - growth truly is perennial.
The last two years have been perhaps the best years of my life. I did all the right things, devoted time to myself and bit by bit turned my personality into something that I am very proud of. Everything was sorted; expect one thing- the void. But then 1st January 2016 happened and I had no idea what it was leading up to. The story isn't great really; it’s a typical tale of love, laughter and heartbreak. But this was perhaps the best heartbreak ever. You know, I had been so busy growing up, that I let an entire part of my life called friendship, take a back seat. I never realized what a bad friend I had been until i saw the lowest of my personality in a very toxic emotional setup.
I have fallen down and gotten back up all by myself so many times that I din’t want the people I love to go through the same. And so, I formed an opinion about everything, adamantly rejecting anything that doesn’t concur with my thought process. I remember telling my friends, ‘why should I listen to what’s not right’, but it took me a happy heartbreak to realize that what may be right for me may not be right for another person. Not everyone’s life trajectory may resemble mine and that even if they’re going to be heart broken, they’ll come out of it, just like i did. I always had an idea that I was heavily opinionated, but I never saw it as a problem because I was happy. But you know, it is easier to be happy when you’ve got a hollow tin chest, without emotions. It is only when my flaws affected way too many people dear to me while i was at my lowest, that I flashbacked to every person I ever let down. Most of it I realized was because i didn’t agree with their actions, so before it could affect me, I detached myself from feeling anything at all.
I am so glad that now I write and can save this most recent and most important lesson that I’ve learnt. It so happens that: It is not always about right or wrong, or good or bad. Sometimes, it’s just about being there, like a rock, for someone who doesn’t need the right direction to face the storm, but just a steady helm to sail through.
Today, as I walked back after meeting a friend I recollected every story I told her. I told her what a good listener I've become off late, I told her how amazed I was at the things people have to vent out and that I don’t remember being the reason someone felt light, in a very, very long time.
I knew everything happens for a reason. But it’s just so difficult to have faith in your faith when you’re hurting. I’d like to thank the person who broke my heart. While a lot of my life I spent wondering where Anamika’s best friend vanished, it helped me find her. There is nothing more fulfilling than being there for someone and listening to them without biases, without judgments, without analysis or opinions and there’s nothing more heartwarming than the feeling of being a good friend.
The void, was longing for this feeling and I think, it’s finally filled in.
To live is to love, and to love is to be vulnerable.
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